The Internet Oracle - http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/

...or how I learned the meaning of life from 20-something geeks, one email at a time!

[From Wikipedia:] The Internet Oracle (formerly known as The Usenet Oracle) is a collaborative effort at collective humor in a pseudo-Socratic question-and-answer format. A petitioner sends a question to the Oracle via email, and (usually within a day or two) the answer arrives, also by email.

A complex Oracle mythos has also evolved around the figure of an omniscient, anthropomorphic, geeky deity and a host of groveling priests and attendants. Other staples in conversation with the oracle include:

• A *ZOT* is earned when the Oracle is irritated. *ZOT*s are something like lightning strikes and are usually fatal. 
• Woodchuck questions are a sure way to earn a *ZOT*. The Oracle will often censor the word "woodchuck" as "w..dch.ck", or simply refer to it obliquely ("rodent of unusual size"). This is a reference to "The Woodchuck Question": "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" 
• Traditionally, questions to the Oracle open with a suitable grovel such as "High and Mighty Oracle, please answer my most humble question"...
• Answers from the Oracle traditionally contain a request for payment such as "You owe the Oracle a rubber chicken and a Cadillac."

[From Internet Oracularities #1]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:    When I open up the refrigerator, where does all the dark go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:  Silly mortal, have you never heard of a light bulb? Obviously not. A light bulb is a small device usually in the back of the  refrigerator, that when not lit, is a very low-pressure vacuum. When you open your fridge, a small switch opens an itty-bitty hole at the base of the bulb. This vacuum then pulls all the dark in, exposing the natural state of order, light. This is also why parents tell you to make sure that you close the fridge "ALL the way", if you didn't some of the dark would escape and the inside would always be lit. Occasionally, you may find your fridge does not keep food cold, nor } does it suck up all the dark, when this happens you need to recharge the freon (freon is Latin for vacuum).   If you have any more questions, simply call the GE help line (24 hours a day, 365.25 days a year)

[From Internet Oracularities #39]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Why do we never see Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson in the same  picture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Mike and Janet fight like wildcats. You see, Michael Jackson is really E. Gordon Liddy, and Janet Jackson is really Indira Ghandi, both under the FBI's witness relocation program. They really don't get along.

[From Internet Oracularities #1374]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Oracle most omnivorous, I'm trying to break my lifelong habit of overeating on Thanksgiving Day. I've tried lots of methods but nothing has worked. Should I just go cold turkey this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: No, you go cold turkey the day *after* Thanksgiving. You owe the Oracle a plate of leftovers.

[From Internet Oracularities #59]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: How does a flea collar work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Most people believes that a flea collar somehow KILLS the fleas. This is of course not true, it would be inhumane. What really happens is that the collar prevents the fleas from moving from the head to the body of the dog and vice versa. Of course, this totally wrecks the extremely important trade route between the two parts. This means that the head is cut off from its food supply from the agricultural regions further down. As the head of course is the administrative centre, and when the other part tries to redeem this, they end up with only hairdressers and insurance agents. Thus, the social and economical environment collapses, and the flea society dies.  You owe the oracle all your fleas.

[From Internet Oracularities #43]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Why are frozen chickens so dang frisky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: I guess if you were frozen, you'd be pretty frisky too.  Consider this, one day you're sitting around eating Purina Chicken Chow,  maybe watching your favorite soap, "All my eggs", and before you know it, each and every feather from your body was been torn away. On top of  that they put you in a freezer lying on top of your neighbors who also have no feathers on their torso. Now your thinking to yourself, you've never seen them without their feathers and it is at that moment you get a strange sensation all over your body. There you go, frisky frozen chickens.  Did you ever notice that when you buy chicken parts in a store they have goose bumps? You owe the Oracle nothing.

[From Internet Oracularities #1383]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:  Overreaching but unpunished Oracle, nothing I ask of you ever makes enough sense. I keep falling into stupid traps of my own making, probably because I am less than half as good at grovelling as you yourself  must be.  Be that as it may, I'm going to try grovelling once again. Maybe this time I'll succeed.  I see that you have an old armoured tank on your lawn. It's gotta be left over from WWII. I'm gonna grovel from inside it.  No, no!! It's moving! Holy Cheez-its! CRUNCH! THUD.  I'm now at the bottom of your drained swimming pool, next to your battered MG-TC, your deflated blimp and an unused pile of incendiary rockets. What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Evolve gills. The water truck is on its way.  You owe the Oracle more bait for his Weekend Warrior Trap.

[From Internet Oracularities #500]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:  The fellow on the next terminal keeps pointing at the screen saying  ZOT in a toad voice. O, all-knowing Oracle, could you please tell me what is wrong with him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: The fool, no doubt asked another stupid woodchuck question.