Congress Passes Americans with No Abilities Act
WASHINGTON, DC—On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Bush shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions
of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans—through no fault of their
own—do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role
for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of
nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up
through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory
sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and
promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
[Source: The
Onion.]
New Rap Song Samples 'Billie Jean' In Its Entirety, Adds
Nothing
NEW YORK—On Thursday, rapper and producer Sean
"Puffy" Combs released "Tha Kidd (Is Not My Son)," a
hotly anticipated new single that samples Michael Jackson's 1983 smash
"Billie Jean" in its entirety and adds nothing. "When I was
in the studio mixing and recording, I decided 'Tha Kidd' would work best
if I kept all the music and vocals from the original version and then
didn't rap over it," Combs said. "So what I did is put in a tape
with 'Billie Jean' on it, and then I hit the record button. It turned out
great." |
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